Porcelain
"I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
So this is goodbye
This is goodbye"
--Moby
When I came to Pittsburgh, I never meant to stay. I was going to just breeze through, maybe make some quick cash, and leave again. I've never been one to stay anywhere long. I like the feeling of not knowing what the day is going to bring. My father always taught me to keep moving, otherwise you'll never know what you're missing, and I lived that.
Until Pittsburgh. For almost the first time in my life, people didn't behave the way I expected them to. These people fought back for themselves and for their jobs, and it impressed me. I still didn't expect to stay, though. That came later, after they had worked their way under my skin. One day I just woke up and couldn't imagine not seeing Jeff and Hildy bickering on Bedside Manor, Maple's welcoming grin, or even Betty Roberts rushing down the halls trying to make things run smoothly.
Before I knew it, they were my family, and they were my home. I resisted it at first, but there they were. They had accepted me for myself, despite all my work to keep them at a distance. I couldn't believe it, but not as much as I couldn't believe Betty Roberts.
I haven't been in love since I was twenty years old. Dad and I had moved to Brooklyn to run a quick scam two years earlier. He left after six months; I stayed to be with Helen Richards. Helen was the girl next door, in personality and literally - she was sweet, innocent, kind, the whole works. I fell in love with her blonde hair and blue eyes, and her sweetness. She was everything I had dreamed I could never have, and more. I defied my father and gave up the con life so that she could be proud of me. I got a job working with Helen's dad in his drug store. After a year and a half, I proposed and she accepted. We set the wedding for a year later, but she died a few months before the date. We were going to the movies; she had crossed the street a few steps ahead of me, walking backwards to tease me about being slow, and got hit by a car.
I was devastated. I felt as though I had died with her. That's when I met Maple; I went to a bar where she worked. We talked a bit, I brought her back to my apartment for the night, and our friendship was born. I left town the day of Helen's funeral, and Maple went with me. Since that day, I never stayed in one place long enough to get to really know anyone else, and I sure as hell never fell in love. I was convinced my heart had died along with Helen and I would be incapable of loving anyone else.
Then I met Betty. She reminded me so much of Helen, it hurt to look at her. They looked nothing alike, but they had the same spirit. When I realized that I could still love someone, after so many years, it scared me to death. I thought that if I tried running my scams and being exactly what I had changed for Helen, then Betty wouldn't like me and I would forget all about her. Instead of forgetting about her, I forgot about why I was there in the first place, and the lies that had brought me there.
After Victor died, my secret was safe. My lies would never come out if he never came back, so I was free. I decided that maybe I could love Betty after all. I started slowing down my con games to see how she would react, and even asked her on a date. I think we were doing pretty good. We never had the magic Helen and I had, and I never felt for her what I felt for Helen, but I loved her. I still love her. When she pulled away from me a few days ago, I was confused. I don't know what happened. One day I thought we were falling in love, and the next she's freezing me out.
There are a very few things I regret in my life. I don't regret meeting Betty, but I do regret how I did it. Well, some days I do, and this is one of them. I never meant to hurt Betty. Hurting her is like hurting myself, and I've managed to do both and I don't know how.
One thing I learned from Helen is that life is fragile like porcelain. When Betty ordered me out of her office, before I gave her our first kiss, our porcelain shattered and I don't know how to put it back together or if I even can.
It was our goodbye.
_____________________________________________
In my dreams I'm dying all the time
As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
So this is goodbye
This is goodbye
Tell the truth you never wanted me
Tell me
In my dreams I'm jealous all the time
As I wake I'm going out of my mind
Going out of my mind
--Moby, "Porcelain"
Song performed by Moby and can be found on his CD "play" and the "Playing By Heart" soundtrack.
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